[Snoring]
[Snoring Continues]
- ♪♪ ["Come Fly With Me"] - [Mumbles]
LV!
♪ Come fly with me ♪
♪ Let's fly, let's fly away ♪
♪ If you can use some exotic booze ♪
♪ There's a bar in far Bombay ♪
♪ Come fly with me ♪
♪ Let's fly, let's fly away ♪
♪ Come fly with me ♪
♪ Let's float down to Peru ♪
♪ In llama land there's a one-man band ♪
♪ And he'll toot his flute for you ♪
♪ Come fly with me ♪
♪ Let's take off in the blue ♪
♪ Once I get you ♪
- ♪ Up there where the air ♪ - LV, will you shut that up?
♪ Is rarefied ♪
- ♪ We'll just glide ♪ - Come on, then.
♪ Starry-eyed ♪
- ♪ Once I get you up there ♪ - Come on now!
♪ I'll be holding you so near ♪
♪ You may hear ♪
♪ Angels cheer 'cause we're together ♪
♪ Weather-wise it's such a lovely day ♪
♪ Just say the words ♪
♪ And we'll beat the birds ♪
♪ Down to Ac-apulco Bay ♪
- ♪ It's perfect ♪ - [Clicks]
- ♪ For a flying honeymoon ♪ - [Clicks]
♪ They say ♪
♪ Come fly with me ♪
♪ Let's fly, let's fly away ♪
LV, cool it!
- ♪ Weather-wise ♪ - [Man] Oi!
♪ It's such a lovely day ♪
♪ You just say the words and we'll beat the birds ♪
♪ Down to Ac-apulco Bay ♪
♪ It's perfect ♪
♪ For a flying honeymoon ♪
♪ They say ♪
♪ Come fly with me ♪
♪ Let's fly, let's fly ♪
♪ Pack up, let's fly away ♪♪
[Man] Yeah, we're late, thanks to you and Tweetie Pie back there.
- I wasn't worrying about work. I'm worrying about Duane. - Duane?
Aye. There's a big race today. They start off from France at 9:00.
Strong winds forecast. Don't like winds, don't Duane.
Duane's a pigeon, right?
Aye. Where's the first call?
Shipley Street. Domestic installation.
[Toilet Flushing]
I'm nearly done.
Ooh, I'll be wired up to the world soon, me... in touch with all parts.
- [Man] Nearly done. - Goodley.
I spend me life and me fortune in them slot boxes. Really, I do.
Ooh, but them uniforms are not very becomin'.
You look like you been chucked in a tool bag, you.
Put me right off, that has.
And I always liked a man in a uniform, me.
- [Man] Oh, I bet you did. - Hey, watch it, sparks. Sparkler.
Hey, speakin' of sparks,
you don't know nothin' about electrickery, do ya?
Only the wires of me home's cracklin' up on me.
- No, no. We're just phone boys, us. - [Phone Ringer Rings]
He's quiet, isn't he?
- Is there anybody there? Or has he been disconnected? - [Laughing]
[Chuckles] Been cut off? I've got a daughter like that.
Like one of them answerin' thingies. You can only leave messages, like.
- Say hi, Bill. - Hello. - Bill?
- Hey, you're not the famous phone Bill, are ya? - [Both Laughing]
[Woman] Eh, but look at you in that bag. You ought to complain.
- Good-lookin' on top and then that. - [Door Closes]
- Clark Gable in a bag. Or should I say "Clark Cable"? - [Man Laughing]
[Woman] Ooh, eh, look at them two lookin' now.
Hey, this one doesn't speak neither, love.
You could go out, you two, for a silent night, holy night.
Or stop at home for a bleeding quiet night in. Be a real riot, that would.
- [Mumbling] - [Door Slams]
What did I say? What did I say?
Eh, look at the red on him now. Lookie. Oh, dear.
[Static From Phonograph]
Aye, you see, that's all you get when she's upset...
crappaty records full-bloody blast.
- ♪♪ [Woman Singing, Indistinct] - Hey, you! Trash the calypso!
♪ Or come shine ♪
♪ High as a mountain ♪
♪ Deep as a river ♪
♪ Come rain ♪
♪ Or come shine ♪
- ♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct] - Right. We're all done.
- I'll just ring through and test the line. - Oh!
[Woman] Oh, let me do it. Let me. Let me.
What's the number again? Oh, no. Don't tell me. I remember.
Start of the war, Bobby Moore.
Thirty-nine, sixty-six and me age, twenty-eight.
- What are you laughin' at? - [Chuckles]
[Phone Ringing]
Music.
Music ringin' in my bloody ears.
Hello, me.
♪ Or come shine ♪
♪ Happy together ♪
♪ Unhappy together ♪
♪ Won't it be fine ♪
♪ Days may be cloudy ♪
♪ Or sunny ♪
♪ We're in or we're out ♪
♪ Of the money ♪
♪ I'm with you always ♪
- ♪ I'm with you rain or shine ♪ - [Woman] Stupid, isn't it?
Cooped up there in the dark all day, like a friggin' bird trapped in the rafters.
Hey, steady on. Billy's fond of his birds.
Ah, well, I didn't think he looked like the shirt-liftin' type somehow.
No, feathered variety... pigeons and that.
What? Oh, frig me, no!
I can't be doin' with that.
All that cooin' and flappin' and shittin' all over shop. They want shootin', them.
The only good pigeons are in pies.
- [Buzzing] - [Man's Voice Muffled] ♪ I'm gonna love you ♪
[Woman's Voice Muffled] ♪ I'm gonna love you ♪
Right. If you could just sign this, Mrs., er...
Hoff. Mari Hoff. Crappaty name, isn't it?
[Laughing] Me late husband Frank left it me.
You can imagine me feelin's on signin' marriage register... Mr. And Mrs. F. Hoff.
[Laughing]
- [Door Opens] - See ya.
Thanks very much, Mr. Cable.
See ya, then.
What's it like then, eh? To watch your master at work.
Did you not see her? Legs of jelly she had for me.
Husband dead and out the way and all, eh?
Oh, bloody hell. Here's me imaginin' all sorts of slap and tickle,
and all you can dream about is bloody Duane.
LV, we out of bacon?
Recent bacon, I mean.
Oh, come on, phone. Ring.
Here, make me a cup of tea, LV, love.
Come on. Look after me.
Hey, give us that paper, here.
Oh, take it back. I don't like the front.
Oh, shove something on, something for me, LV, love.
Go on. Slap some food about for me.
Go on. What's that you're eatin', anyway?
A brown envelope? What's on telly?
- [TV: Shouting] - Oh, sod that.
Oh, sod this. I'm off down the cafe, me.
I can't start the day without some dribblin' fat, can I?
Eh, speakin' of which, I can call Sadie on me new instrument.
That will freak her flabby ass.
Eh, and listen, you.
If anyone phones before I return,
you tell them I'll be back in five minutes, all right?
All right?
Are you receiving me?
Ah, Sadie, it's me.
Aye, callin' long distance, me.
That I am, sexy. Well and truly plugged in.
Eh, listen. You, me, cafe, now. Last one out door pays, all right?
Okay. Leg over and out.
Five minutes, tell 'em. All right? Toodle-pip.
[Bell Ringing]
Fuck me.
Mention bacon and eggs and she shifts like Linford friggin' Christie!
- How are ya, sexy? - Okay.
You look a bit on peckish side to me.
- Move it. - [Dog Barking]
[Man] You stick with me, son. You'll learn a few tricks.
Reading matter. That's the best one.
Next day or something... when hubby's out,
you go back with the reading matter... leaflets and that.
Works every time. Bedtime readin', I call it.
[Laughs]
Bangers and bubble and a fuck hot tea, ta. Twice.
[Man] Bangers, mash, fuck hot tea times two.
But, Sadie, what a night I had me last night, eh.
What a friggin' championship night!
You should've seen me. Queen for a night, I was.
You'll never guess who.
Ray Say.
[Mari] Ray friggin' Say.
You know him. He's agent to the stars...
king of cabaret... manager of miracles.
He's down at Mr. Boo's nightclub all the time.
- ♪♪ [Elvis Singing, Indistinct] - Has that slight look of Elvis about him.
You know him. Everyone knows him.
And he knows everyone.
Eh, it was Mr. Boo himself introduced us the other night.
- [Laughing] - And two seconds, Sadie, I fib you not...
two seconds and his hand's on me ass.
My ass. My golden old ass in Ray Say's hand...
while he stands there tellin' jokes to Mr. Boo.
Well, I saw him again last night.
Oh, the music was in our heads...
in our heads and in his wanderin' hands.
He'll make it in anything, Ray Say.
He's one of them lovable twat sorta types.
- Drivin' me round in his lovable twat mobile. - [Screaming]
- He motored me round about a million miles an hour. - [Screaming Continues]
Me heart in me mouth, his hands up me skirt...
- and me mind on his meat and veg. - [Mari Yapping]
Listen. Then it's down to the harbor for a pronto snog.
- [Squeaking] - Oh, lip-lappin' like old hell.
But at least he knows how to slide and dart and take a throat.
And at least there's the thick wad of his wallet...
- [Squeaking Continues] - Up against your tit for comfort.
Oh, up and down and down and up...
and under the bloody stars.
[Sighs] Heaven it were, Sadie.
[Bell Rings]
What's up with you lot? Never had a shag in a Chevy?
[Murmuring]
[Ringing]
[Doorbell Rings]
[Ringing Continues]
- [Bell Ringing] - Hiya.
F-Forgot to leave your, er, reading matter...
about services and all that.
[Ringing Continues]
Your phone's ringin'.
Would you like me to get it for ya?
Hello...
Dead.
[Birds Wailing]
- [Stammering] - [Door Opens]
Hey, you. What's this, then... one of them rave thingies?
Oh, stop it. Me ears won't take it.
I thought you were done, you.
You suddenly remember a socket ya unplugged, eh?
Telephone Bill. Little Birdy boy.
N-No, I forgot to leave this, er, readin' matter. It tells you...
Did he ring, LV? Did he ding-a-ling? Eh?
Oh, for fuck's sake, speak, girl.
We just... m-missed a call.
I can do 1-4-7-1. It tells you who was ringin'.
It's one of the services mentioned I-i-i-in the readin' matter.
- There you go. - Oh, it, it don't give a name, then?
No. I'm afraid we're not quite that advanced yet.
[Mari] Ah, well, you'd best advance on out then, eh?
Ta very much, but just... flap off.
- [Phone Dialing] - Bloody hell, I don't even know who I'm ringin' here.
Hello?
Boo's? You what?
Oh, Mr. Boo's.
Oh, hello. Um...
Is Mr. Say there presently, please?
It's Mari Hoff.
- ♪♪ [Doo-wop, Indistinct] - Ray Say. Oh, hello, love.
Oh, just working, you know.
Giving Mr. Boo here a shufti at me clients.
Yeah. Of course I do. I'll see you at the Red Lion, okay? All right, love. See ya.
- [Beeps] - Are you messin' with that Mari Hoff?
Hoff and on.
- More on than Hoff, I should imagine. - [Woman] Excuse me!
Are you watching this or what?
- She'll go far, this one. - Yeah, she will and all.
- Scunthorpe, if she's lucky. - You're not interested?
- Good nipples. - Heating's off. That's why.
- Mine are the same. - All right, love.
[Ray] Thank you.
- ♪♪ [Stops] - You'll love this next one, Mr. Boo. Singing combo...
five lads all built like Buddha.
- What are they called? - Take Fat.
♪ I get knocked down but I get up again ♪
♪ You're not ever gonna keep me down I get knocked down ♪♪
[Birds Fluttering, Wailing]
- Hello, Billy, lad. - Arthur.
Hey, did you win?
He's, er... He's not in yet.
Not in yet? That's not like your Duane.
Don't worry, Billy.
- He'll be in before dark. - Aye.
I'll see you, Billy.
[Billy Softly] See ya, Arthur.
- [Horn Honking] - ♪ No more ♪
♪ That all-time thrill ♪
♪ Boy ♪
♪ You've been through ♪
- [Cooing] - ♪ The mill ♪
♪ And ♪
♪ Never a new love ♪
♪ Will be the same ♪
♪ Good riddance, goodbye ♪
♪ Every trick of his ♪
♪ You're on ♪
♪ To ♪
♪ The road ♪
♪ Gets rougher ♪
♪ It's lonelier and tougher ♪♪
Right, you. You got a fuckin' second to get in shape.
- [Bell Rings] - Perk, girl. Perk!
Aye. Come in, Ray. Come in.
Here he is... Mr. Ray Say.
Here it is.
Me home, me walls,
me telly, me phone.
- And me daughter. - How do you do?
Ray. Sun Ray. Sting Ray.
Ray gun. Me very own Ronnie Ray gun.
Oh, I'm just friggin' into him so!
Well, say hello.
[Mari] God, she's a misery. A miserable bloody misery.
- Whatcha havin', Raymondo? - What you got?
Everything your throbbin' throat could desire, lover boy.
All right?
Ta-da!
I'll have... a cup of tea.
You what?
[Laughing]
You'll have a cup of tea!
[Laughing] Hey, don't just go off like that, you rude...
- Leave her! She's all right! - Hey!
No, it's not all right. She spoils everything, her.
I'm tryin' to make an impression and she can't even be swivel to a friend,
the tiny little slit!
Oh, what am I doin', and in front of you?
Well, that's it. I give up.
This is me crappaty home, and this is how I am, Ray.
No Gracey airs, and if you don't like it, you can piss off out of it.
Hey, stay calm. Don't get mad at me.
I-I never said anything about anything.
[Laughing]
[Mumbling]
Come on, then. Let's roll about.
- [Moaning, Yelling] - [Spring Snaps]
- ♪♪ [Big Band] - Oh! Here we go!
On and on and friggin'...
- Cut that racket, girl! - Calm down. She's all right.
- Oh, you, you little raver. - ♪♪ [Woman Singing, Indistinct]
- [Laughing, Groaning] - ♪ That's a dream of romance on the scene ♪
- ♪ Where the villain is mean ♪ - [Laughing, Shouting Continue]
♪ That's entertainment ♪
- Don't! - ♪ The lights ♪
♪ On the lady in tights or the bride ♪
♪ With the guy on the side or the ball ♪
♪ Where she gives him her all ♪
- I'm not having this. You can't bloody concentrate. - ♪ That's entertainment ♪
- Cool it, will ya? - ♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct]
Think of the fuckin' neighbors!
♪ A gay divorcee who is after her ex ♪
Right. Sod the bitch. We'll have our own on.
♪ Where a chap kills his father... ♪
- [Needle Scratches] - ♪♪ [Pop]
- ♪♪ [Singing Continues] - ♪ It's not unusual to be loved by anyone ♪
♪ Who is doing him dirt ♪
♪ Fun with anyone ♪
♪ Of entertainment ♪
♪ It's not unusual to see me cry ♪
- [Crackling, Crashing] - [Phonograph Slows To Stop] ♪ I wanna die ♪♪
[Mari] Hey, you. You've blown me fuse!
[Both Laughing]
[Groaning]
- [Woman Singing, Indistinct] - [Laughing Continues]
Shh, shh!
- Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh. Wha-Wha-What's that? - [Laughing]
- She got her own radio up there? - Eh?
No. That's her. That's LV.
- What? - [Kissing]
- No. - Yeah. [Kissing Continues]
- No. - Yeah. - [Singing Continues]
- No. - Yes.
[Moaning, Kissing Continue]
[Imitating Judy Garland] ♪ For you've been through ♪
♪ The mill ♪
♪ And never knew love ♪
♪ Will be the same ♪
- But I don't believe it. - Oh, God, Ray.
She plays records all the time.
- Every God-sented sec. - [Singing Continues]
They're stuck in her head and she can sing 'em and it gets on my wick.
End of story. Now come on, Ray.
- Let's roll. - ♪ Fools will be fools ♪
♪ And where's he gone ♪
♪ To ♪
♪ The road gets rougher ♪
Eh, come on, lover. I'm mad for it here.
Shh! I'm listening.
♪ Tomorrow he might turn up ♪
♪ There's just no let up ♪
♪ The livelong night ♪
♪ And day ♪
- [Singing Continues] - Oh, sod it.
I'm off then.
♪ There is nothing ♪
♪ Sadder than ♪
♪ A one man woman ♪
♪ Looking for the man ♪
♪ That got ♪
♪ Away ♪♪
[Pigeons Cooing]
[Fluttering]
[Sighs]
[Clicking]
[Phonograph Powers Up] ♪ It's not unusual ♪
♪ To go out at any time ♪
♪ But when... ♪ ♪♪ [Stops]
- [Gasps] - [Clicks] - [Ray] Normal service resumed, eh?
Bit of gray matter and a bit of gray matter. All it takes.
Bit of nouse, bit of coat hanger, and, bingo, let there be light.
But you wanna get this lot seen to, you know. Could bring the house down.
Hey. So could you...
with what you did last night, you know.
Bloody marvelous, that. Who else you do?
Don't go. I'm just interested. You know, what with me being in show business myself, like.
Didn't your mum tell you? No?
Oh, well. Never mind. Er, let's plonk you down here, love,
like the twinkling star that you are.
And let me rustle up one of Ray Say's famous breakfassays.
I do 'em for all me artists... when we're on foreign engagements, you know.
It's not all glamour, this game.
Fuckin' hell.
[Radio] ♪ For you are ♪
♪ Beautiful ♪
♪ And I loved you dearly ♪
- ♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct] - [Ray] Marvelous... up there in the dark.
Something I'll never forget. Fuck.
What do you say we continue our little conversation down the cafe, eh?
No? What, and me all dressed up and no place to go?
- [Chuckles] - [Laughs]
- [Sniffs] - [Radio: Chattering, Indistinct]
[Man On Radio] Certainly stripped to the waist.
There you go. Best I can do.
Une tasse de the a la Ray.
Yeah?
Go on, love. Fire away.
[High-Pitched Voice] In show business...
I-In show business, yes?
In show business,
did you ever meet...
Shirley Bassey?
Shirley? Dear old Shirley? Shirley, Shirley, Shirley.
To be honest, love, as I remember,
I don't think our paths ever crossed.
I did meet Des O'Connor, though, and Charlie Williams.
Freddie "Mr. Parrot Face" Davis?
I suppose the biggest name I ever met was... Monroe.
- Marilyn? - Matt.
You remember him? The singing bus conductor.
No?
You like Marilyn, yeah?
- Yeah. - Can you do her as well?
Go on. I bet you can.
Oh, well, there you go.
[Imitating Marilyn Monroe] I have this thing about saxophone players.
I don't know what it is. My spine turns to custard.
I get goose-pimply all over.
Frig me. That's ama... That's amazing.
[Laughing] Christ! I don't believe that.
Listen, LV. Listen.
You are my discovery.
I found you, right?
Me. Always remember that.
As a matter of fact, here. Take one of me new cards.
I left it for you in case I missed you.
Look. It's gold.
[Chuckles]
I wouldn't give one of these to just anyone, you know.
Now, look. I know you're a bit on the quiet side,
but I'm a big noise in these parts.
And together... you and me... we could set this place on fire.
You are a star, you.
You're a nutter.
No, it can't wait. No.
All right. Well, hold him there. I'm coming down now.
Mari, you look...
[Grunting]
Don't speak for a minute.
I, I gotta go, Mari, but what can I tell ya?
It's happened at last, eh?
It's like at the races when you know you're on to a certainty,
and you're feeling, "This is it."
- She's the one. - [Footsteps Departing]
I am the one?
- [Car Door Closes] - [Engine Starts]
- Give us another one, Ray! - [Laughing]
Honest, Mari, I, I can't believe it.
It's what I've been lookin' for for ages.
It's just one of those once-in-a-lifetime things, eh?
I, I've never felt like this before... about anyone!
- I'll see you at the Seabirds later. - [Tires Screeching]
- [Laughs] - [Horn Honks]
- Yes! - [Mari] Bloody hell, Sadie. The bastard wants me!
Too bloody right, Sadie. Get up there and get it on.
- Our fave bloody rave! - ♪♪ [Disco]
At last! Yes! Yes!
I shall go to the ball! Oh, you darlings from the sky!
[Mari Cackling, Screaming]
♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪
- [Creaking] - ♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪
Ooh! [Screams]
- Oh, what a life life can be! - ♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
♪ Burn, baby, burn ♪
- ♪ Burnin' ♪ - ♪ To my surprise ♪
- [Laughing] Mari! - ♪ One hundred... ♪ - Oh!
- [Needle Scratches] - [Doorbell Rings]
- [Laughing] - [Ringing Continues]
Oh, bloody hell. What now?
Er, I forgot to leave you this... reading matter.
I only ordered a phone, not a mobile bloody library.
- What? - Young Birdy boy's already been and done all that.
Come on. Off out of it. Make way for a woman in lust.
Hey, you, you twat!
What do you think you're bloody playin' at?
- F-Feedin'. - Feedin' my ass.
Screwin' around more like. You come on all quiet...
like you're only interested in these bloody things here.
But, really, you're a devious little bastard, aren't ya?
You know what I'm on about.
Reading matter.
Ah, yes, you little bastard.
Though what you want to get your leg over that for I'll never know.
Old enough to be your bloody grandma.
Went to see the girl, George...
the one with music.
What, her up... Oh, Jesus.
- I thought... - Just to talk to her, like.
- [Laughs] Oh, aye? - Yeah.
- Thought she were... interestin'. - Interestin', like off her bloody rocker, you mean.
[Laughs]
[Mari] Didn't I say to you, though, Sadie, eh?
I knew there was something down for us, me and red hot Ray.
I just had that feelin' in me twat bone.
Eh? And you know me.
- I can predict rain with that. [Laughing] - [Laughing]
I'm wearin' me share-price knickers tonight,
down as likely as up,
and some shit-tight bloody bra.
'Cause I'm one high razzamatazz in here today, me.
It's like there's a circus parade passin' over me paps!
♪♪ [Big Band]
♪ While tearing off ♪
♪ A game of golf ♪
♪ I may make a play for the caddy ♪
♪ But when I do ♪
♪ I don't follow through ♪
♪ 'Cause my heart belongs to Daddy ♪
♪ If I invite ♪
♪ A boy some night ♪
- ♪ To dine on my fine finnan haddie ♪ - ♪♪ [Whistling]
- [Gasps] - I'm just checking to see if your wires are all right.
- ♪ His asking for more ♪ - [Engine Idling]
- ♪ My heart belongs to Daddy ♪ - I'm just seeing if your wires are all right.
♪ Yes, my heart belongs to Daddy ♪
- I'm just seein' if your... If your wires are all right. - ♪ So I simply couldn't be bad ♪
- ♪♪ [Whistling Continues] - ♪ Yes, my heart ♪
♪ Belongs to Daddy ♪
- Do you go out much? - No.
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da ♪ - ♪♪ [Whistling Continues]
- ♪ So I want to warn you, laddie ♪ - Are you a telly fan?
- No. - Goin' anywhere on your holidays?
- ♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct] - No.
♪ That my heart belongs to Daddy ♪
- There are no wires. - Eh?
- I finished work hours ago. - [Sighs]
Oh, I don't know what to say now.
I'm Billy. Can I ask you your name?
- LV. - ♪♪ [Men Scatting] - Oh.
Does, does that stand for something?
- Little Voice. - Oh, on account of bein' soft-spoken, like.
Nice tune, that.
"My Heart Belongs To Daddy."
Oh. Right.
- Marilyn Monroe. - Oh, yeah. Right.
Eh, your mom's a live wire, ain't she? Bloody hell!
Not fond of pigeons neither, is she?
- Pigeons. - Aye. I keep 'em, you know.
- Homing pigeons. - Oh.
I love 'em. I'm up Pigeon Hill all the time, where lofts are.
- Feed and exercise twice a day. - Exercise?
Aye. You let 'em out, they fly around and come back.
That's what homin' pigeons do... except Duane, like.
- Duane? - Aye... me best bird.
Not back from France yet.
What's he doin' in France?
♪ My heart belongs to my daddy ♪
- ♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da ♪ - He's comin' back here.
- Oh. - ♪ So I want to warn you, laddie ♪
- Anyway, it can be boring to the nonenthusiast. - Oh, no.
- N-No. You're all right. - When you let 'em go...
and see 'em fly, and better still, see 'em back, well, it's, it's dead exciting.
You'll have to come up there with me, LV. See for yourself.
Oh, I, I don't go out. [Sniffles]
- What, never? - [Footsteps Approaching]
[Whispering] I'd best go, Billy. Bye.
I'll see you again somewhere then. Eh?
- ♪ That little old man he just plays it so good ♪ - Talkin' to yourself and all?
- Now were you? - No.
Aye, well, I'm off out on the razz.
You have a nice night in with your pals, eh?
[Ray] Bloody hell, where you been? I said 8:00.
Aye, but look at me, luvvy, eh?
Takes time to get dressed up like this.
Arndale Centre weren't built in a day, you know.
- Yeah, and with half as much plaster. - [All Laugh]
- You smooth talker, you. - You know Mr. Boo, don't you, eh?
- This is Little Voice's mum. - Oh, aye. Once-in-a-lifetime thing, Ray tells me.
Never felt like this before about anyone, he says.
Yeah, well, we'll get a few quick drinks down us,
then it's back to your place for a, a listen.
A spot of "Who do you do?" For Mr. Boo, like.
- [Laughing] - [Boo] What are you havin', love?
- Eh? - Gin.
Double, and a Campari chaser.
♪ And it's all ♪
♪ Comin' back to me now ♪♪
[Mari] Oh, God. You make me sick, you lot.
First that little phone fart, and now you all droolin' over that little stick of shite.
I got tits and all, you know...
and a gob on me for every occasion.
Tits, gob and an ass to die for, me!
- Good looker, eh, Boo? - Just as well, with that mouth.
No. The car, Boo. The car.
Oh, aye. Yeah.
Very nice.
- Put her in the back. - I'm stoppin' here.
[Chirping]
♪ Oh, the chirruping of the birdies on the sycamore tree ♪
♪ They're lucky to be so happy and free ♪
♪ I know that they're chirruping out a little ditty to me ♪
♪ I hear them saying early every morn ♪
- ♪ Get up, get up, get up ♪ - Get up, you.
- ♪♪ [Continues] - Ray wants ya downstairs.
- What for? - You know what for.
You've got him thinking you can do something or something.
He wants you down anyway. Show Mr. Boo what you can do.
- It's private. - Private, my privates.
You're just damn selfish and useless, you.
And you can do nothin' but whisper and whine like your father before you.
Couple of bloody nothin's, the pair of ya.
Look at it. Just a pile of old junk no fucker wants.
- Now come on downstairs! - [Gasps] Don't you dare touch these!
Ever!
- [Needle Scratches] - [Music Stops]
Up yours, stick leg.
- [Mari] She'll not come down. - [Ray] What?
Well, it's just like I said. She'll not sing. I told you.
[Softly] Dad.
Dad.
[Boo] Well, I'm sorry, Ray, but Boo's a busy man.
I've got to be off. Got other acts to see.
Acts that can be bothered. Night, all.
Boo! Boo!
Hold on, Boo. It won't take a minute. Honest. She's dead special.
Listen, Say. I didn't get where I am today by wasting my time...
By wasting my time listening to singers that don't sing.
All I can say is that she might stand an outside chance as a mime act.
[Electrical Crackling]
[Softly] Dad.
[LV, Faint] ♪ Somewhere ♪
♪ Over the rainbow ♪
♪ Way up high ♪
♪ There's a land ♪
♪ That I heard of ♪
♪ Once, in a lullaby ♪
You know me, Boo. I wouldn't bring you down here for nothing.
- You've gotta... - ♪ Where ♪
♪ Over the rainbow ♪
♪ Skies are blue ♪
♪ And the dreams ♪
♪ That you dare to dream ♪
♪ Really do come true ♪
♪ Some day I'll wish upon a star ♪
♪ And wake up where the clouds ♪
♪ Are far behind me ♪
♪ Where troubles melt ♪
♪ Like lemon drops ♪
♪ Away above the chimney tops ♪
♪ That's where ♪
♪ You'll find me ♪
- ♪ Somewhere ♪ - That's never her.
- It is. - ♪ Over the rainbow ♪ - No.
Yeah.
- No. - Yeah.
- No! - [Ray] Yeah!
- Oh, here we go again. - That's Judy.
- You got Judy Garland in there. - Oh, aye. She's round here all the time...
her and that Shirley Bassey drinking our bloody cocoa.
You have a remarkable daughter, Mrs. Hoff.
- Aye, don't I bloody know. - Well, Ray. We must have her, if you can arrange it.
There's the makings of a first-class act there... real class.
- We could do a lot with that. - Right, Mari, love. Me and Boo are off up the pub.
Talk finer details and finances.
- Leave the latch off, eh? - What about me then?
Where do I fit in, eh? Need a fuckin' second-class act?
Er, mine's, mine's a double Scotch, Boo. I'll see you up there, eh?
- ♪ Like lemon drops ♪ - What are you saying, Mari?
I'm tellin' you you're sittin' on a gold mine...
- not over a bloody rainbow, but up there in that bedroom. - ♪ That's where you'll find ♪
♪ Me ♪
- ♪ Somewhere ♪ - "Dreams that you dare to dream," eh?
- ♪ Over the rain ♪ - She can make them come true.
♪ Bow ♪
♪ Bluebirds ♪
♪ Fly ♪
[Chuckles]
♪ Birds fly ♪
- She's our chance, Mari. - ♪ Over ♪
- ♪ The rainbow ♪ - We've been shoveling shit long enough, you and me.
- Now's our chance to step out of it. - ♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct]
- Our chance? - Oh, I'm going nowhere without you, girl.
- ♪ Someday I'll wish upon a star ♪ - Oh, Elvis breath.
♪ And wake up ♪
Come on then. Lead us to the dotted line.
[Both Laughing]
♪ If ♪
♪ Happy little ♪
♪ Bluebirds fly ♪
♪ Beyond the rainbow ♪
♪ Why ♪
♪ Oh, why ♪
♪ Can't ♪
♪ I ♪♪
[Mari, Ray Laughing]
Love, luvvy. Don't worry. It's only us... me and Ray.
- Coming bearing good news, m'lady. - Stupendous news, actually.
Mr. Boo would like you to sing at his club on stage.
- [Ray] Sing what you like. - He'll pay. Good money and all.
- Could be up to 50 quid, right? - Yeah, and that's just to start.
- No! - No? Listen. Ray'll look after ya.
He knows all about showbiz, and all you have to do is sing.
Sing! Like what you do best anyway.
- You might feel shy. - Oh, nothin' wrong with being shy at first.
- It's natural, that. - Had a girl recently wouldn't say boo to a goose.
- Now she's toppin' the bill at the Reform Club. - Who's that? That stripper?
Yeah. Well, I mean, it's similar, innit? I mean, similar case, Tina.
- Please go. - It's not healthy being cooped up here...
Just go!
Bloody hell. That's gratitude for ya.
You great long streak of piss!
You are bloody doin' it, girl!
[Door Slams]
Come on. You can do better than that. So how you all doin'?
[Muttering]
The manager says, "Do you want that condom on your bill, sir?"
And the duck says, "Certainly not. What sort of duck do you think I am?"
[Laughing] Hey, true story, this. Two...
- [Boo Continues, Indistinct] - All you've gotta do is stand here and sing.
Like at home.
Just... stay calm and relax.
What are you talkin' about, relax? Look at her!
Think about... Judy.
Think about... Shirley.
Think about... Marilyn.
[Boo] Anyway, on with the show, ladies and gentlemen.
As you know, Boo braves anything,
goes anywhere in his perpetual quest...
for fresh talent to spice up your midweek merriment here.
And guess which exotic part of the world I came across tonight's star turn?
- Shipley Street. - [Applause]
Well, it saves on travel expenses, don't it?
Anyway, pretty people, enough of me.
A talent... an undiscovered treasure...
an act of wonder, ladies and gentlemen.
A little girl that's big... a northern light... a rising star...
Order and hush. Hush and order...
for the turn of turns... a-the one, a-the only...
- Little Voice, ladies and gentlemen! - [Applause]
Little Voice!
[Feedback]
[Whispering] Go on.
You're on.
Go on. Go on. Go on. Sing.
I'll do anything. Just sing.
Sing, for fuck's sake. Sing!
[Man Coughing]
The lights. It's the lights.
Turn out the lights.
[Coughing Continues]
[Quiet Chattering]
[Imitating Billie Holiday] ♪ I don't know why ♪
♪ But I'm feelin' so sad ♪
♪ I long to try ♪
♪ Something I've never had ♪
♪ Never had no kissin' ♪
♪ Oh, what I've been missin' ♪
- [Chattering] - [Man] Get off!
Do another one. Go on. Do some more.
[Imitating Judy Garland] More? Do you really want more?
Oh, aren't you tired?
Well, we've got, we've only got one more.
We-We'll do, we'll do, we'll do "Chicago."
♪ Chicago, Chicago ♪
♪ That toddlin' town A toddlin' town ♪
♪ Chicago, Chicago ♪
♪ I'll show you around ♪
♪ I love it, bet your bottom dollar you'll lose the blues ♪
♪ In Chicago, Chicago ♪♪
[Chattering, Laughing]
[Ray Whispering] What have you stopped for? Don't stop now.
Do anything. Anything. And, Jesus, look happy!
[Imitating Marilyn Monroe] ♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To you ♪
♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To you ♪
- [Glass Shatters] - This is crazy, Ray. The punters can't see.
♪ Happy birthday Mr. President ♪
All right, then. Get 'em back up.
- Get the lights back up. - ♪ Happy birthday ♪
♪ To... ♪♪
[Chattering, Laughing]
Thought things couldn't go downhill with you, Ray. What am I gonna tell 'em?
Tell 'em... she'll be back.
[Mari] Embarrassin'. One hundred bloody chunk embarrassin', that.
I'm shown up, which was more than she was, stood there in bloody dark.
- He wasn't there. - And what was she singing? What the hell was that?
She could've made an effort and done some Spice Girls or something, for Christ's sake!
I told you you was wasting your time on the little slit!
She did the whole thing to spite Mother. I know her.
Oh... go on. Drop her off.
Dump her home. Let's go eat.
[Pigeons Cooing]
- [George] Now then. - [Gasps]
- Oh, Jesus. - Guess what.
- I've just seen your bird. - Where?
On stage, down at Boo's.
What?
Oh, no. Not Duane.
I meant the other one.
That lass.
[Phone Ringing]
- Hello? - [Billy] LV?
- Hello. - Eh, listen.
I, I heard about what you did tonight.
- At Boo's club. - They made me.
- Who made you? - Him and her.
They go on till you do.
They trying to make you do it again?
Don't think she liked it. Won't be doin' it no more.
Oh, but, Ray, it were crap awful, weren't it?
Well, er, she's not what you'd call a performer.
I-I'll grant you that, no. But I can take care of that.
She just needs a, a big band or something to boost her confidence...
er, a big, flashy set.
Bright lights, a bit of glitz, snazzy frocks. All that.
I love it when you talk swanky.
Has, has Duane come home?
No. No, no. Not yet.
Happens sometimes, once they're out.
Flyin' free.
They like it.
You should try it sometime, LV.
- [Door Opens] - Oh, I've got to go.
- I've, I've got to go. Bye. - LV?
What was she like?
Well, if it's a roller-coaster of unbridled excitement you're after,
I reckon you're better off up here.
You're all right, love?
It's only me.
Been workin' on the act... planning and that.
Got Boo to let us have another go. I've worked it all out.
You'll love it... everything tailored to your personality.
All you've got to do is step on from the side.
What's up? Hey, angel.
You're not gonna let a little hiccup like tonight put you off, are you?
That happens to the best of 'em, you know.
If you could ask her or her or her,
they'd all tell you the same thing.
They've all had nights like that, you know. Isn't that right, Judy?
"It sure is, Mr. Say." And what about you, Marilyn?
- "Too, too true, boo boo be doo." - Don't!
Seriously, LV. It'll never happen again.
Not with this. It's foolproof.
Believe me. Let's do it, eh?
You won't even look at it?
Well, never mind then, eh?
Never mind. That's it, then, eh?
No problem. Pas de problemo.
Got it nice here, haven't you?
Clean and tidy. That's nice.
All your records all around ya.
Your dad must have spent years buildin' up a collection like this.
- He did. - Yeah.
I'm not one for collecting things meself.
Only debts. [Laughs]
I had an auntie once who was, though.
You'll never guess what she collected.
Go on.
Bluebirds.
Honest. Wild bluebirds.
Flyin' all over her house.
Marvelous with 'em she was and all.
Even taught one of them to talk once.
Timid little thing, it was. No bigger... than your thumb.
Too scared even to leave his cage.
But what she did was so simple.
All she did was keep it shaded and safe...
at all times,
and then sing to it and stroke it...
very, very soft every day.
And after a while, it gave her his heart.
Later, when it grew strong,
she set it free.
But before it flew to its freedom,
it stopped... on the window ledge.
Then it turned to her...
and, to her great surprise,
sang.
♪ There'll be bluebirds over ♪
♪ The white cliffs of Dover ♪
[Laughing] See? There she goes.
True story, that.
Which are your dad's favorites?
Them three there.
[Ray] Oh, good. You know what we'll...
- Oh, no. No. - What?
No. Well, I, I, I was just thinking we, we could have included them, uh, in the, er,
you know... the act.
But we're not doin' it now.
I bet your dad would have liked that, eh?
A tribute to his life's loves.
One love, his songs,
sung by his only other love...
his daughter.
Huh? That would have really been something, eh?
Yeah. A shame.
'Cause the man and his music...
they don't get much respect, do they?
You know what I mean.
- Ray. - Hmm?
Nothin'.
Whoops. There she goes again...
the bluebird under the moon and over the stars.
I'll do it.
Do what?
Oh, that. Oh, okay.
- Just once. - Yeah.
Whatever, whatever.
I'm pleased.
I'll just pop down and get me cigarillos.
Won't be a tic.
♪♪ ["Goldfinger"]
- [Chattering] - ♪ Goldfinger ♪
The overall effect I want, Frank, is like Las Vegas.
- Plush up the bandstand, big musical notes... - ♪ He's the man ♪
- ♪ The man with the Midas touch ♪ - [Continues, Indistinct]
- Up here on the stage... [Continues, Indistinct] - ♪ A spider's touch ♪
♪ Such a cold finger ♪
♪ Beckons you to enter his web of sin ♪
♪ But don't go in ♪
- ♪ Golden words he will pour in your ear ♪ - [Drill Whirring]
♪ But his lies can't disguise what you fear ♪
- Hold on. Thank you, lo... - ♪ For a golden girl ♪
♪ Knows when he's kissed her ♪
- ♪ It's the kiss of death ♪ - [Man] Come on!
♪ From Mr. Goldfinger ♪
♪ Pretty girl ♪
♪ Beware of this heart of gold ♪
♪ This heart is cold ♪
Bloody hell. All right, all right.
♪ Golden words he will pour in your ear ♪
- ♪♪ [Humming] - ♪ But his lies can't disguise what you fear ♪
- This has come to a lot more than I thought, Frank. - ♪ For a golden girl ♪
♪ Knows when he's kissed her ♪
- ♪ It's the kiss of death ♪ - There you go. - Thanks.
- Right, Phil. - Yes, Mr. Hoskins.
♪ From Mr. Goldfinger ♪
- ♪ Pretty girl ♪ - [People Chattering]
♪ Beware of this heart of gold ♪
♪ This heart is cold ♪
♪ He loves only gold ♪
- ♪ Only gold ♪ - [Chattering]
♪ He loves gold ♪♪
[Chuckles]
Well, a man with a plan or what, eh? My Ray.
Worked it all out, he has. Gonna take us all to Tarby-land.
I had me doubts about her doin' again at first, but, well, he won me over.
Try as I do, I cannot say no to that man.
What a tongue he has on him, eh, Sadie? Half raspberry, half razor.
Oh, I don't know, Sadie. Maybe this once...
that fucker fate's smilin' down on us, eh?
Ohh. Liquor, lacquer. Liquor, lacquer.
Ow! Bloody hell!
Oh, my God! I've blinded me god.
No, I'm all right. I'm all right. All right.
Here you are. I've got you something.
- Ow. - Oh, Raymondo!
Lookie here, little sparkle-neck me.
See, Sadie? It's a love token.
That's right, isn't it, Ray?
Someways I wish I could lash it 'round me finger.
You look stunning, Sadie. We gonna have a dance down there later, eh?
[Snorting]
Go upstairs now, Sadie. See if star turn's ready.
I can't wait, Mari, can you? I'm buzzing. Fit to burst. Big crowd, proper job.
- I've even got a talent scout coming down. - Oh, give us your lips, you,
and double me palpitations.
- Fuck me. - Not now, Ray, we got a show to do. Ha ha!
[Mari] Right. Are we set, then, or what?
Let me open that front door...
the door that leads to success.
[Boo] Welcome, welcome, welcome. Yea, thrice welcome to Mr. Boo's.
- Knock, knock. - [All] Who's there?
- Boo. - Boo who?
- Don't be so fucking pathetic. - [Rim Shot]
- How are you all doing? All right? - [Crowd Mutterings]
Come on! You can do better than that. How are you all doing? All right?
- [Boisterous Response] - That's more like it.
Because we've pulled out all the stops for your Friday night frolickings!
We haven't had a band in here this big since VE Day.
In fact, now that I look at 'em, it's the same band. [Chuckles]
It's all right. They know me. We're in for a grand night tonight!
So smack one hand against t'other, if you will, for the turn of turns return!
The voice of a thousand stars. The girl with the greats queuing up in her gullet!
A-the one, a-the only Little Voice, ladies and gentlemen!
Li-i-i-i...
ttl-l-l-le...
Voi-oi-oi-oice!
♪♪ [Fanfare]
[Applause]
[Imitating Shirley Bassey] ♪ The minute you walked in the joint ♪
♪ I could see you were a man of distinction ♪
♪ A real big spender ♪
♪ Good looking So refined ♪
♪ Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind ♪
♪ So let me get right to the point ♪
♪ I don't pop my cork for every man I see ♪
♪ Hey, big spender ♪
♪ Spend ♪
♪ A little time with ♪
♪ Me ♪♪
Yes!
♪♪ ["I Want To Be Loved By You"]
♪♪ [Continues]
- [Imitating Marilyn Monroe] ♪ I want to be loved by you ♪ - [Applause]
♪ Just you and nobody else but you ♪
♪ I want to be loved by you alone ♪
♪ Boo boo be doo ♪
♪ I want to be kissed by you ♪
♪ Just you and nobody else but you ♪
♪ I want to be kissed by you alone ♪
♪ I couldn't aspire ♪
♪ To anything higher ♪
♪ Than to fill the desire ♪
♪ To make you my own ♪
♪ Pa dum, pa dum Pa doo be dum ♪
♪ Poo ♪♪
[lmitating Marlene Deitrich] ♪ Men cluster to me ♪
♪ Like moths around a flame ♪
♪ And if their wings burn ♪
♪ I know I'm not to blame ♪
♪ Falling in love again ♪
♪ Never wanted to ♪
♪ What am I to do ♪
- ♪ I can't help it ♪♪ - [Applause]
[Imitating Gracie Fields] ♪ Sing as we go and let the world go by ♪
♪ Singin' a song we'll march along the highway ♪
♪ Say good-bye to sorrow ♪
♪ There's always tomorrow to think of today ♪
♪ Sing as we go although the skies are gray ♪
♪ Beggar or king you've got to sing a gay tune ♪
♪ A song and a smile making life worthwhile ♪
♪ So sing [lmitates Bugle] As we go ♪
♪ Along ♪♪
♪♪ ["Get Happy"]
[Imitating Judy Garland] ♪ Forget your troubles Come on, get happy ♪
- [Applause] - ♪ You better chase all your cares away ♪
♪ Shout hallelujah Come on, get happy ♪
♪ Get ready for the judgment day ♪
♪ The sun is shinin' Come on, get happy ♪
♪ The Lord is waiting to take your hand ♪
♪ Shout hallelujah Come on, get happy ♪
♪ We're goin' to the promised land ♪
♪ We're headin' 'cross the river ♪
♪ Wash your sins away in the tide ♪
♪ It's oh, so peaceful ♪
♪ On the other side ♪
♪ Forget your troubles Come on, get happy ♪
♪ You better chase all your cares away ♪
♪ Shout hallelujah Come on, get happy ♪
♪ Get ready for the judgment day ♪
♪ Forget your troubles Come on, get happy ♪
♪ Chase your cares away ♪
♪ Hallelu... get happy Before the judgment day ♪
♪ The sun is shinin' Come on, get happy ♪
- ♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct] - Who's on the phone?
- It's Bunny Morris. - Bunny Morris?
- That's right. - ♪ We're gonna be goin' to the promised land ♪
[Over Phone] ♪ We're headin' 'cross the river ♪
♪ Wash your sins away in the tide ♪
♪ It's quiet and peaceful ♪
♪ On the other side ♪
♪ Forget your troubles Get happy ♪
- ♪ Your cares fly away ♪ - [Audience Whooping]
♪ Shout hallelujah Get happy ♪
♪ Get ready for your judgment day ♪
♪ Come on, get happy Chase your cares away ♪
♪ Shout hallelujah Come on, get happy ♪
♪ Get ready for the judgment day ♪
♪ Sun is shinin' Come on, get happy ♪
♪ Lord is waitin' to take your hand ♪
♪ Hallelujah Come on, get happy ♪
♪ We're goin' to the promised land ♪
♪ Headin' for the river ♪
♪ Throw your sins away in the tide ♪
♪ It's oh, so peaceful ♪
♪ On the other side ♪
♪ Shout hallelujah Come on, get happy ♪
♪ You gotta chase all your cares away ♪
♪ Shout hallelujah Come on, get happy ♪
♪ Get ready ♪
♪ For the judgment day ♪♪
[All Cheering]
[Whistling]
That's my fuckin' daughter!
[Applause, Cheering Continues]
- [Cork Pops] - [Boo] Well, a star is bloody born or what, eh?
Guess who I just spoke to... only Bunny Morris.
- Never! - [Squeals] Who's Bunny Morris?
The fixer. Bunny "Mr. Starmaker" Morris.
Any new star you name, love, he got 'em started.
He puts 'em in all the big clubs and all the TV shows.
If he rates 'em, that's it. Nobody says no to Bunny Morris, and neither did I.
- He's only comin' here tomorrow night to see her. - No!
Yeah, he is. He's comin' here, honest. I gotta pick him up at the Grand at 7:00.
- Tomorrow? We're on tomorrow night and all? - Yeah.
[Boo] Aye, aye. I've had to cancel Silverados and Gringo Hodges.
- Had to. They were going mad in here tonight. - "Once," we said.
When Bunny sees her, he'll do the same.
We'll never be off the telly. MFI Friday, Letterman... he'll fix 'em all.
"Just once," we said.
Today this crap-house, tomorrow the bloody world.
Route bloody One... London, Leeds, Las Vegas.
- Yee-haa! - Just remember where you got your start...
my crap-house, and you know what they say,
"Shouldn't shit on folk on way up, 'cause you're bound to meet 'em on way down."
Yeah, but we're not comin' down, Boo. Up to the sky we're goin'. Up to the bloody sky.
Here's to the rise of rise of Little Voice.
God! The little bird's bleated and died with all the shock.
It's all right, Mari. She's just tired. Bright lights and all that.
Blessed are the meek for they shall inherit the Earth. But when, eh? When?
- Don't push her too hard. - She needs pushing. That's the point.
I've seen a lot of big talent wasted in my time.
Don't come the fucking impresario with me.
You run a club that no one in their right mind wants to go to.
You tell jokes that no one in their right mind wants to laugh at.
You're a nothing, Boo. It's me with the contacts now, me with the friends in the high places.
Remember that. It's Ray who's the big shot. [Chuckles]
- Do you not want a ride home? - Yeah.
I may not have friends in high places, Ray,
but I've got 'em in the fuckin' used car business.
[Billy] LV!
I know you're there, LV.
You did it again, didn't you? And again, tonight, it says.
LV!
LV, I'm worried. Are you all right?
Look, just don't let them do it to ya.
- LV, I know you're there. I just want... - [Bird Flaps Wings, Coos]
- Duane? - [Window Slams Open]
- [Wings Flapping] - Hey, fuck off, Romeo!
You want to see her? Then sod off down club and pay like everyone else.
Do without that sort of crap just before show, eh?
When you need to be concentrating your mind.
Come on, love. Enough of this.
You've not opened your beak all day to eat or to squeak.
And even you squeak from time to time, don't ya?
Come on, love. Squeak to me, eh?
[Squeaking]
[Cooing]
Duane.
Steady, steady. Steady.
A long time since I've been dragged down the Northern clubs, Say.
- Better be good. - Oh, yeah. Great, eh?
Come in.
Now, then, I'd thought you'd be showin' up here sooner or later. You goin' in?
Eh, don't know. Hello. You must be George's wife.
Wife? You bastard!
- [Kicks] - [Groans]
Sorry, George. Sorry.
For one not known for his over-usage of words, you don't half pick 'em, do ya?
- Spare ticket now if you want one. - Sorry.
[Mari] No, she's not moved, Sadie, love.
But she's going to have to in a minute, otherwise she'll be going on like she is.
I bet that Judy Garland never went on stage in her bloody pajamas,
so I don't know why she wants to.
Oh, Come on, LV, love, whatever it is that's buggin' ya, just let it stop, eh?
Just for a few hours, 'cause, look, we're cutting things a bit fine now.
Ray'll be here in a minute and your mum's getting just a little bit fucking irate, all right?
[Boo] Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome, please, on this night of all nights...
the compare of all compares;
the world's finest emcee;
the funniest man ever to have been on television;
the man the Northern Echo called "quite amusing";
the chuckle bag himself:
Your very ow-w-w-wn...
Mi-i-i-ister Boo!
- ♪♪ [Fanfare] - [Applause]
Welcome to Mr. Boo's. I'm Mr. Boo.
- Don't shout my name too loud. I'll think you don't like me. - [Man Groans]
- [Rim Shot] - How y'all doin'? All right?
Come on. You can do better than that. How y'all doin'? All right?
- [Scattered Shouts] - That's more like it. Have we got some entertainment tonight.
I don't know. Have we got some entertainment for 'em tonight? Of course we have.
And we all know what that entertainment is, don't we?
Tonight, for the second consecutive night in a row,
sees the return of young Little Voice.
- [Cheering] - Thank you.
Thank you. Thank you.
But that's all in the future. That's to look forward to.
Ray's going to kill me. He's going to throttle me.
Then what'd you be like, eh, with me murdered? Oh, be up and about, then, I suppose.
Happy as a lark. Oh, there be no bloody croonin' for your dead mum.
Oh, no. Oh, no.
Oh, no! He's here! He's here! Jesus! Jesus!
Oh, come on! LV, love, please.
Eh, do it for your mum, eh?
Oh, do somethin' for me, for Christ's sake,
instead of that lousy, dopey drip of a dead dad!
Fuck!
Darling.
All right, Mari? Okay?
Bloody hell. This is it, eh?
Where's she then?
LV, management is here.
Ray, love, there's, um...
a bit of a...
It's LV. She's dead tired. She's really...
Aren't we all, love. She'll be all right once she gets on there.
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for our first act...
- five lads from Grimsby who have a history of touching assholes. - [Woman Cackling]
I said "our souls," madam. The biggest thing in rock,
Take Fat!
♪ We'll be singing when we're winning ♪
♪ We'll be singing ♪
♪ I get knocked down but I get up again ♪
♪ 'Cause you're never gonna keep me down ♪
♪ I get knocked down but I get up again ♪
♪ 'Cause you're never gonna keep me down ♪
♪ I get knocked down but I get up again ♪♪
- Could she not have this night off? - This night off?
What are you on about? Bunny Morris is there. He's there now, waiting.
This night off? This night? This is the night, love!
- [Electrical Cracking] - Fuck! Fuckin' house!
- But, Ray... - Ray, Ray, Ray, what?
Did you get her dress from the dry cleaners okay? Yeah?
Sadie, love, you pick up the dress?
- Oh, no. You forgot it. - I've been so busied with her, Ray.
- Jesus Christ. - Hey! Watch me furniture, you!
- Furniture? - Now, then, a novelty act...
- noveler than any I know. - [Laughter]
So please give a big Mr. Boo welcome...
to Brenda Bailey and her farmyard frolics.
- ♪♪ ["Old MacDonald"] - [Yipping]
- [Groans] - [Chuckles]
Two things... that's all you had to do... get the dress and have her ready.
Oh, I know. I'm sorry, darling.
- But don't be crossy with your darling puss-puss. - Never mind all that crap.
Good boy. Jump!
[Dogs Whining, Barking]
Where's LV? Have you seen Ray Say or LV?
- No. - Christ. Trigger, you better string it out a bit.
- Do an extra five minutes. - I'll do it blindfolded.
- Yeah. - [Moaning] Oh, no.
- Sadie, give that a once-over with iron, eh? - Okay.
What? She's not even dressed? We can't have this, Mari.
I'm gonna have to get someone else to look after her.
Ray, no. What are you sayin'?
Eh, you're too quiet to be me friend, you. Fuck off!
Eh, I'm doin' it now, Ray, love. Yes, I am.
So a big welcome, please, to Wild Trigger Smith...
and the lovely Elaine!
♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin' Rollin', rollin', rollin' ♪
♪ Rollin', rollin', rollin' Rawhide ♪
- Leave it! Aah! - [Sizzles] - Oh!
- Fuckin' house! - Ray!
- Aah! What? What? - Kiss me, Ray.
- Oh, give over. We haven't got the time. - Eh, lover...
Stop clinging, will ya? You're all over me all the time, like the bloody pox.
Don't spoil it, Raymondo. We go so well together.
We go nowhere. For a start, you're past it. You're body's gone.
When your clothes go, I can't keep track of it. It's all over the place.
There's no way that you're coming with me and her to better things. No way, love.
LV! You got ten fucking seconds!
I'm tired of getting the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
All you're doin' is gettin' in the way.
You were in the way the first night I heard her,
and you're still in the way now.
Christ. Do you think I don't have birds I go to?
Don't you think it's like puttin' me face in flowers after you?
You've had it, Mari.
For God's sake, wise up, woman, eh?
Eh? [Whispering] And fuck off.
- [Drumroll] - ♪ Keep them doggies rollin' Rawhide ♪
- Elaine, are you still there? - ♪♪ [Continues, Indistinct]
- Get 'em off, Boo! You go on. It's not right. - They're doin' fine.
- [Elaine Screams] - [Audience Gasps]
Curtains!
- Ta. Thank you. Ta. A big hand, ladies and gentlemen, - [Audience Murmuring]
For Wild Trigger Smith...
and the lovely, lucky Elaine!
- [Sobbing] - [Siren Wailing]
- ♪ Hah, hah ♪ - Sadie!
♪♪ [Fades, Ends]
What're you doin'? Here, get this on.
Come on. I've had enough of you lot tonight. Dress on now. Move it, will ya?
- [Slaps] - [Imitating Cilla Black] Hello, number one.
- What's your name, where'd you come from? - What?
[Imitating Judy Garland] Hello, everybody. This is Mrs... Norman... Maine.
Stop messin' about. We're late.
- [Imitating Gracie Fields] So hurry before they shut the gate. - Save it for the punters.
♪ Click, clack, click, clack Click, clack, click ♪
- ♪ There's music in the clatter of the clogs ♪♪ - I'm warnin' you, LV.
[Imitates Judy Garland] I know... I'll sing 'em all and we'll stay all night.
- [Imitates Marilyn Monroe] See what I mean? Not very bright. - [Nervous Chuckling]
[Imitating Gracie Fields] But the villain only laughed! [Screeching]
- LV, come on. - [Imitates Judy Garland] Run, Toto, run!
- Stop it. - [Imitates Shirley Bassey] ♪ When you smile, smile, smile ♪
- We're on our way together. - [Imitates Judy Garland] ♪ Happy together ♪
♪ Unhappy together ♪♪
- LV, why? - [Imitates Munchkin] ♪ Because Because, because, because ♪
♪ Because, because of the wonderful things he does ♪♪
- I warned you... - [lmitates Judy Garland] Shame on you!
[Imitating Gracie Fields] Never mind your teeth! Leave 'em out!
- [Crackling] - Fuckin' house!
[Door Opens, Closes]
[Imitating Judy Garland] Lions and tigers and bears. Oh, my!
Lions and tigers and bears! Oh, my!
I'm frightened, Auntie Em! I'm frightened!
Now we're cookin', aren't we? You hear about this chicken?
He went into a library in Essex...
No, uh... No, that weren't a chicken, was it? Uh...
- Uh... Oh, it's gone. - [Audience Members] Boo! Bollocks! Boo!
[Imitating Marilyn Monroe] ♪ Look what you started This conflagration ♪
♪ Baby, that's what ♪
♪ Don't let the flames go out Some like it hot ♪♪
She's a redhead, my wife. No hair, just a read head. [Feeble Chuckling]
- [Disgruntled Murmurings] - I love her terribly, I do. That's what she says, anyway.
Listen, calm down, calm down. She'll be along in a sec.
What did I tell ya? I said if you didn't laugh at my jokes, I'd sing.
That's what I said. Well, Boo's a man of his word, I'm afraid.
Will you bear with me? Uh, anyway, as they say in the business,
this, ladies and gentlemen, is me.
[Cracking] ♪ Your baby doesn't love you any more ♪
- [Angry Shouting] - ♪ Two, three, four ♪♪ Ray!
- ♪♪ [Band Joins In] - [Audience Exclaims]
I had something... ladies and gentlemen.
I had something really special.
[Imitating Judy Garland] This is my room... and you're all here...
and I'm not gonna leave here ever, ever again,
- because I love you all. - ♪♪ [Continues]
♪ Golden days before they end ♪ End?
They never bloody started. Bunny Morris. Bunny "Starmaker" Morris.
Fuck off, ya jumped-up little prat.
[Key Wavering] ♪ Your baby won't be near you ♪
♪ Anymore ♪ Just as well, 'cause they always fuck it up for ya, don't they?
♪ Tender nights before they fly ♪
Well, mine has.
♪ Send falling stars that seem to cry ♪
That's because they can't fucking hack it.
- [TV: Cheering] - Ladies and gentlemen,
- I had a dream. - There's no place like home.
- There's no place like home. There's no place like home. - ♪ It's over ♪
- When I think of what might've been, eh? - There's no place like home.
♪ It breaks your heart in two ♪
Finished, fucking finished me.
♪ To know that she's untrue ♪
♪ But, oh what will you do ♪
What will I do, eh?
What the fuck am I gonna do?
[Clattering]
♪ We're through ♪
- ♪ It's over ♪ - There's no place like home.
- [Crashing] - [Billy] LV!
- ♪ It's over ♪ - [Siren Blaring]
♪ All the rainbows in the sky ♪
Over the fuckin' rainbow, eh?
♪ Start to weep then say good-bye ♪
Good-fucking-bye!
♪ You won't be seeing rainbows ♪
- [Siren Continues] - ♪ Anymore ♪
[Gasping] Okay.
- LV! My baby! - [Man] It's all right, love. Everybody's out.
♪ It's over, it's over ♪
♪ It's over ♪
♪ It's over ♪♪
The adorable Mr. Ray Say, ladies and gentlemen,
with a little song about his show business career...
called, "It's Over."
[Sniffing, Clears Throat]
[Chuckles]
So, how you all doin'? All right?
[Waves Crashing]
[Clicking]
- There you go. - Oh.
- Thanks, Billy. - Yeah, all right. It's just old stuff from the van.
No, I mean, thanks for gettin' me out.
Oh, that's all right.
- Hey, you should get out more often. [Chuckles] - Heh!
W-Why did you want to come down here?
My dad used to bring me here.
Listen to concerts.
LV, uh...
There's people other than your dad who, well,
other people who...
who might think something of you, and, ah,
other people who are, well, still alive.
[Gasps]
[Whispers] Billy. I've got to go.
- Oh! - LV?
[Sighs, Clicks Tongue] Didn't handle that very well.
- [Clicking] - [Gasps]
What's happened here, then, little match girl?
The little stick who wrecks everything.
I can't start again, can I, now?
Who'd want me anyway, hmm?
[Sharp Breaths, Shouting] Who'd want me?
- [Gags] - Wait a minute.
What do you want, anyway?
Oh, I know. Your records.
[Clicks Tongue] Well, all salvage crap's out on back roof, LV, love.
Maybe they'll be there.
What's up? Cat got your tongue?
- [Mari Grunts] - [LV Screaming]
[Shouting] Can you hear me now, Mother? My dad...
You drove him as fast as you could to an early grave!
With your men and your shouting...
and your pals and your nights...
and your nights and your nights...
and your nights and your nights and your nights...
of neglect!
Ohh.
When he had his records on, he sparkled.
Not dazzling, like you,
but with fine lights.
Fine lights.
He never spoke up to ya,
'cause you would never listen.
I never spoke up to ya,
- [Shouting] Because I could never get a word in! - [Whimpering]
Little Voice.
Me name's Laura.
[Gulls Cawing]
[Whistles]
Everything all right then?
Fine. Is that Duane?
- Aye. Just about back to normal now, I reckon. - Yeah.
I think I know how he feels.
Do you want to give me an 'and?
- With exercise? - [Wings Flapping]
Yeah.
All right.
Let's fly! Come on. Let's go for a fly.
- Shoo! Shoo, fly. Fly. - Go on, up!
Up you get. Come on. Come on.
♪ There's no business like show business ♪
♪ Like no business I know ♪
♪ Everything about it is appealing ♪
♪ Everything the traffic will allow ♪
♪ Nowhere could you get that happy feeling ♪
♪ When you are stealing that extra bow ♪
♪ There's no people like show people ♪
♪ They smile when they are low ♪
♪ Yesterday they told you you would not go far ♪
♪ That night you opened and there you are ♪
♪ Next day on your dressing room they hung a star ♪
♪ Let's go on with the show ♪
♪ The costumes, the scenery The make-up, the props ♪
♪ The audience that lifts you when you're down ♪
♪ The headaches, the heartaches The backaches, the flops ♪
♪ The sheriff who escorts you out of town ♪
♪ The opening when your heart beats like a drum ♪
♪ The closing when the customers don't come ♪
♪ There's no business like show business ♪
♪ Like no business I know ♪
♪ You get word before the show has started ♪
♪ That your favorite uncle died at dawn ♪
♪ On top of that your pa and ma have parted ♪
♪ You're broken-hearted but you go on ♪
♪ There's no people like show people ♪
♪ They smile when they are low ♪
♪ Even with a turkey that you know will fold ♪
♪ You may be stranded out in the cold ♪
♪ Still you wouldn't change it for a sack of gold ♪
♪ Let's go on with the show ♪
♪ Let's go on with the ♪
♪ Show ♪♪